Stronger On The Other Side

There is a lot going on in the world, and we are hardly able to do anything about it other than sitting at home, and by we, I mean people who are not COVID warriers that are fighting this crisis on the frontline. 

We have a far easier task to do than what the COVID warriers are doing. However, sitting at home is not as easy as it sounds, especially when the world outside of your walls is on fire. We feel helpless, we feel useless, we feel angry, but we have to continue living. We've got to keep ourselves alive, more alive than we can be. I haven't felt fully alive in a long time. I know there are only two states of my being. I am either dead or alive, but to be honest I have felt I am oscillating between these two states lately, because to feel alive, I used to go outside of my house and do things I loved.

The value of simple pleasures of life never soared higher and we, human beings, always take things for granted until they are taken away from us. I remember when I was pregnant; my simple pleasure was to be able to sit in a moving car without throwing up. That's all I asked for during those nine months but I didn't get it. For those nine months, I felt trapped. 

There's nothing fancy about being pregnant, no matter how much we try to pretend. Once the complications of pregnancy started, my normal life was altered forever. I had to adapt to the new normal and my new normal was to feel motion sick all the time and not travel anywhere, walk everywhere at 0.5 mph speed, be clumsy, not being able to pick up the stuff I dropped and let it see lying under the table for weeks, be extremely slow in doing all physical activities, be edgy all the time, and lug around the baby bump everywhere, even when I slept. 

At one point, I swear to God, I had completely forgotten what it felt like to not be pregnant, it felt like I had been pregnant all my life and I didn't know if I'd ever be able to feel normal again. It was not pleasant nine months. 

Although there was one silver lining to this torture, I knew it was going to be over in nine months and when the baby arrived and I held her for the first time, it all seemed worth it. 

Why am I telling you this story right now? Because right now, more or less, I have the same feeling. I feel trapped; I have forgotten what life felt like before this pandemic. But this is much worse than being pregnant. At least when I was pregnant, I knew it would be over in nine months, I knew I was doing it for a purpose, it was my conscious decision and I was mentally prepared to go through it for nine months, I knew I was going to get the greatest joy I could ever have at the end of these nine months, and I knew I didn't have to go through it again if I didn't want to. 

Right now, however, I don't know for how long I am going to feel trapped. My pregnancy was only my problem, and it didn't make any difference to the world. But right now the whole world is going through the same problem.

The biggest difference is, at the end of this pandemic, there won't be any joyous moment similar to holding a baby in your arms for the first time, and it's never going to seem it was worth it. 

Pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life. Damn..! Those were long nine months but somehow I survived. This time, it's been thirteen months of this nightmare and it seems it is only getting started. 

Life was awesome before COVID, but I didn't appreciate it so much then. Now that it's gone, I miss it and I don't know if I'd ever be able to relive that life. This reminds me how I didn't appreciate my life in Bhavnagar until I went to LA. 

Bhavnagar was the best time of my life but when I was living that life, I didn't realize the greatness of it. I had chosen a promising career path after the 12th grade and I was doing okay in college, so the most important aspect of my life, studies, was sorted, and everything else was not my responsibility. I had nothing else to do except study. I can't imagine a life like that right now among this pile of responsibilities. I wonder why I ever got sad during that time! It could not get any better than that. 

My tuition fees and living expenses were paid by my parents. I was able to spend a decent amount of money on myself. I used to live in a hostel and I didn't have to do a thing there. We got fresh warm meals ready on the table every day, we got people cleaning our rooms and dishes and clothes, and we got friendly professors and good friends who didn't go out of their ways to make my life miserable. It was the easiest five years of my life and I am more grateful than ever for this period of my life. 

Then I went to America and life was turned upside down. My tuition fees were paid through student loans that I needed to pay after graduating. I had to earn enough for my living expenses and pay my own bills, I had to find my own place to live that I could afford, I was supposed to do everything in the house, from cooking to cleaning, from grocery shopping to doing the laundry; all of this alongside my studies that I was totally new at. 

Living in a new country, among a lot of uncertainties, figuring out things on your own, it was an extremely stressful period. Those three years were the toughest of my life. I never had more than $50 in my bank account during that time. The lowest I have ever gone is down to $5. I was always short of money. I could not afford basic things. I used to save up to be able to eat the tostada salad of Sharkey's once every few months, I used to save up to be able to eat one medium pizza once a month. I never appreciated eating my favourite meal so much earlier.

I have never felt so poor in my whole life. During those three years, I had forgotten what it felt like to be able to afford good food and good clothes. It seemed next to impossible to be able to come out of that poverty because of the global recession and the downfall of the US economy. There were no jobs and no money that the government could give to people. It was escpecially more difficult for international students like me to find a job. It seemed like the new normal of the world and I had prepared myself for the possibility that I might never get a job. The stress level of that time is inexplicable. 

I appreciated my life in Bhavnagar more after I went to America. Similarly, right now I feel very grateful for my pre-COVID life. Those days when I was able to go on trips with my family, when I was able to go to restaurants, watch movies and go on long drives just for fun. I am filled with a sense of gratitude when I think of my life before COVID. It gives me a great joy to see the old pictures and videos of family trips and good food from my favourite restaurants. It feels like I am reliving those moments. 

There are more pepople suffering from the pandemic related stress than COVID. There is a lot of professional experts who have been kind enough to give advice on how to cope up with this situation and maintain your mental health. We need to listen to them. We need to be compassionate right now. We need to support each other, care for each other, and this is the only thing we can do right now sitting at home. 

Call your family and friends, long lost cousins, reconnect with your school buddies, and ask them how they are doing. Remind them of the happier times, remind them to not hate life and that life didn't always suck so badly. All of this will end one day, this too shall pass. Never stop believing that. 

But I know on some days; even this seems like a lot to do. If you don't feel like talking to anyone, just do one thing; think about the happier times of your life. Do whatever it takes to make you happy inside your house. Appreciate the small stuff. Be grateful, be patient.

This may be the first time in life when I feel that I am living the same day over and over again every day. Most of my days after  Mar 22^nd, 2020 have been more or less the same.  

But it's still okay. Life is long. Those nine months of pregnancy seemed like an eternity. Those three years of poverty seemed like never-ending. But all of those tough times ended without exception. That's why I know this too shall pass. Right now, this pandemic feels like a bottomless pit but every tunnel has an end, and we will come out of it stronger on the other side. 

So just hang in there, I'll see you all on the other side!