Evolution of Mind

It's my birthday this week. I will complete 38 years on this beautiful planet. I can't help but worry that I am almost done with my 30's. But I also can't help but reflect upon the last decade, and the decade before that. 

When I entered the 30's, I had a clear vision for myself. I had a clear goal of what I want to achieve during these 10 years. I had also laid out a clear plan for myself when I entered the 20's. I had a checklist of milestones. I was focused like Arjuna and it definitely helped me stay away from a lot of vices and helped me achieve everything and more I ever imagined for myself. 

In my 20's, I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to get master's either in Ayurveda or Management. I wanted to go to America. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have a kid. I wanted to become a manager. And by the end of 20's, I wanted to put my life on auto-pilot. I wanted it to be happily ever after by the end of my 20's. Now when I look back, it is astonishing to me that I got to achieve everything I set out to achieve. It took a lot of hard-work, struggle, sacrifices, heartbreaks, failures, but I got everything. EVERYTHING. 

It may sound pompous of me to brag about these things given almost all of us have the same goals in our 20's and a lot of us achieve these things in their 20's. I am not special. But I know myself and how much I used to underestimate myself and doubt my abilities in my early 20's. None of these things seemed achievable for me. And I wouldn't have been able to achieve any of it if I didn't give my absolute 110% at every single one of them. Things didn't just happen for me. I had to make them happen. I had to swim against the tide for everything in life. I am not saying everyone else gets these things easily in life. Everyone has to struggle. But I am saying, for me, every single thing on the list almost slipped through my hands before I got it. 

I got admission in an Ayurvedic college in the last seat of Gujarat. I had given up on it. I got admission in MD in the last seat of Gujarat. I got the admission letter from the University of my choice in the US last, very late, almost when I had lost hope of getting it. I was rejected for student visa for the US the first time. I gave up and didn't want to try again, but my dad didn't let me give up. He made me appear for the visa interview again and I got the visa. I got married to the last guy I ever wanted to marry. I had given up on the hope of getting pregnant and started to think I was barren, and right when I thought I wouldn't have a baby, I got pregnant. I kept fighting with my bosses to get a promotion. People who joined around the same time as me got promoted but not me. I was ready to move to a small hospital of an isolated village of Texas to get promoted as a manager. I was very desperate, but thanks to my ex-boss who knew I wouldn't survive a month in that desert, assured me that he would give me an opportunity when it's the right time and right place for me. I got the promotion when I had given up on it. I got it shortly after my 30th's birthday. The checklist was complete. All milestones achieved. 

Life is hard, very hard, freaking so hard sometimes that I wanted to give up everything and live an ascetic life in a jungle. But that would have been an easy way out. Human will is irrepressible and unfathomable. It can move mountains. One should never ever underestimate their abilities. You are human, that's why only you can. 

This was my 20's. I breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in my 30's. I wasn't chasing anything anymore. I didn't have a checklist anymore. I had only one goal now. To evolve as a human being. To reach my highest potential, to experience everything that is  good and pure in this world, to be the best version of myself. And as I worked towards achieving this goal, I realized that a lot of what I did in my 20's kept getting in the way. It was a hilarious realization. And a lot of my 30's was spent into undoing what I did in my 20's. 

I decided to move back to India, because I was fed up of the sword of visa always hanging on my neck. I had a valid H1B visa and yet I took an opportunity to work for a large BPO team in Hyderabad. I had realized that it doesn't matter where I live anymore, what matters the most is peace of mind, and the stress of visa ruined it. 

The biggest realization I had in my 30's was that I am not made for marriage. Not everyone is made for marriage. Marriage is not one size fits all. And it is not a mandatory thing to pursue in life. I was in denial of this fact about me for a long time but I had to acknowledge it at one point. And when I did, I decided to quit. I ended my marriage. And divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am extremely grateful to my ex-husband for being such an asshole because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been able to realize the true value of life and freedom. 

I would be lying if I said I never questioned my decision to be a mother. I have imagined many times what my life would be if I didn't have Shreesha in it. And no matter what I imagine, every single time I reach a conclusion that I would have ended up being a mess of a human being if she wasn't there to keep me sane. I need her much more than she needs me. She is the person who showed me the true meaning of love. She is the greatest blessing of my life. 

Recently, post pandemic, I have been able to understand the true meaning of work-life balance. I worked as a manager, leading a team of 100+ amazing members for more than 5 years. But recently I realized that I don't want to lead anymore. I want to step back. It was the most empowering realization that letting go of power can be empowering. I have evolved to cultivate this valuable understanding that it is okay to step back, in fact, it is part of the evolution to step back sometimes. Again, thanks to my generous bosses, who offered me a role as an individual contributor and I have been loving this new role. Now I don't get to delegate, but I am getting used to it. 

All of this doesn't mean that I regret what I did in my 20's. If I could do it all over again, I would still do the same things. Because all of this is a part of evolution. The 30's wouldn't have been so great if I didn't build the foundation in the 20's. 

Lately, I have been focusing on cultivating human relationships. This pandemic was a blessing in disguise for many of us. I have realized that people are all we've got. We need human touch to survive and thrive. I have been spending a lot of time with my family and friends. I have been meeting new people, trying to build new friendships, and it has been a revolutionary experience. I have evolved much more in the last two years than I did in the first 35 years of my life before the pandemic.  

I have been reminiscing lately what should be my goal in my 40's. I still have two more years to decide. Who knows what the last two years of my 30's would bring. Here's to the many more adventures to come!