Parenting

 

People are right when they say that parenting is the most difficult job in the world. It is not difficult in the ordinary sense. I want to try to spell it out what parenting is all about. But more importantly I want to talk about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the parenting. I want to talk about the child who get parented.

I am almost 40 and I still discover surprising things about myself almost every day. I am still unpredictable to myself. In a good way. These days, mental health has been highlighted a lot and for the right reasons. Even I think about consulting a therapist sometimes just to ensure I am doing fine, mentally. I must be sane and remain sane to raise a child. Can’t afford to be reckless, can’t afford to have a mental breakdown. So just as a preventative measure, I feel I should get a regular mental health check-up. But I never get to convince myself to go to a therapist. When I tried to understand why, I concluded it’s just too much time and money that you have to spend to consult a therapist. But there is a third reason. Not sure if it’s valid or not. I will talk about it later in the post. But right now, I want to talk about parenting.

Most mental health problems are traced back to your childhood or your genetics. So, basically your parents are responsible for your mental health, good or bad. Now that itself is a huge pressure on the parent.

I do not want to screw up my child’s mental health and her emotional evolution because of my bad parenting. But the thing is, no parent ever thinks they are a bad parent. The worst parent on the planet genuinely believes they are a good parent. Most parents never realize they did something wrong. Because most parents do their best for their children and they end up screwing up their children in their own unique way. Not because they are evil or selfish, but because they didn’t know any better. They simply don’t know any better. So now, as a parent, the most important task for me is to know better. I should know better. Especially when you are a single parent, you are it. Good, bad, or ugly. You are all your child has gotten. And when you live alone with your child like in my case, you have no one around to give you constructive criticism or sane advice on parenting.

I always assess my performance as a parent time to time. I observe Shreesha and see if I need to improve my parenting. Shreesha is an exceptional child. Now, I don’t take any credit for the following things, but it is a relief for me as a parent that she has all these traits.

Physical Health:

Shreesha is a healthy child, physically. She is tall, strong build, beautiful hair and teeth, no allergies or chronic ailments. She hardly gets sick and when she does, she recovers quickly. She eats well, sleeps well, plays well. She is 10, and she has already learned swimming, skating, sketching, karate, coding, basketball, and a little bit of keyboard.

Intellectual Health:

She is a very intelligent child too. She is 10, and she does her homework by herself, rarely needs my help. I never have to pester her to study. She has a lot of sense of accountability, and she is self-motivated. She not only gets good grades in school but also participates in Olympiad exams and scores well. She is intelligent enough to take care of herself to some extent. She is alone in the house for a few hours every day, but she doesn’t make any stupid mess in my absence. She handles it well.

Emotional Health:

Now, most important of it all, the emotional health. I think this is where most parents screw up because unlike physical and intellectual health, emotional health is pretty abstract. I mean what are the units to measure emotional health?

I think Shreesha’s emotional health is absolutely brilliant because I have noticed a few things and analyzed them with my own tiny lens. Shreesha is an extrovert. She can carry out a real conversation with people of any age. She is confident. She is sure of herself. She has so much clarity of thought that it baffles me. She doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind. She fearlessly and openly tells me when I am doing something wrong, and she is right every single time. I have to admit I was wrong, and I correct my behavior. She is adventurous. She is not clingy or needy. She has a great deal of empathy. Maybe more than me. She has a lot of compassion. She has a lot of integrity. She never lies. She never cheats or hides anything. She never talks back. She is always respectful even when she doesn’t agree with you. She is not a slave to her tablet screen. She never throws tantrums. But the only problem is she is too mature for her age, and it is completely my fault.

I didn’t plan to make her so mature so early. But in hindsight, I think it was me who pushed her to be so mature at a young age. The quality I detest the most about human beings is when they are dependent on others. I hate weak people. I hate when people are dependent on others financially, emotionally, and physically. Not because I don’t like to take care of others or because I am selfish, but because I feel such people are like black holes. They suck the life out of the people around them. Most of the times, in my experience, the more you give to these people, the more they keep asking for it. It’s never going to be enough for them. They have a total disregard for other people’s well-being. They always bathe in self-pity and how life is unfair to them and how the world owes them love, money and validation, and blah bah blah.

Anyway, so subconsciously, I wanted to make Shreesha not like that at all. I wanted her to be so self-sufficient that if I was unavailable for some reason like when I am at work, or simply too tired, she can carry out her life without any dependencies.

I realized when I was raising Shreesha that children are like wet clay. They will take whatever shape you want to give them. So, the route I took was to make her self-sufficient and independent little by little. For example, I find it very tiresome and time-consuming to pick-up and drop off Shreesha five times a day from different places. I started by sending her to her friend’s house on the next street by herself. When she did that well, I started sending her to school bus-stop by herself. When she did that well, I started to ask her to cross a street by herself. But I drew a line at one point. I wouldn’t let her go anywhere alone after it’s dark. I am just giving one example. But I did this progressive weaning off in all areas with a defined boundary of how much weaning off should be done. And she handled all of them very well. She is the most self-sufficient 10-year-old in the world.

But the problem is, there is an appropriate age for everything in a child’s life. I didn’t read any parenting books and I don’t know a lot of the psychologically appropriate methods to raise a child. For this reason, I think sometimes that I should go to a therapist and make sure I am raising her right. I do what I think is best for her and what works best for me. Best for me. In retrospect, I think most of the things I did were the things that worked best for ME. Yes, I gave it a lot of thought about how my action would affect Shreesha and her well-being but ultimately it was about me, not her.

I am selfish. That’s my fatal flaw. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know why I am so selfish. But now I want to make sure I am not selfish at least when it comes to Shreesha. I am okay being selfish. I am not okay being a selfish mother. Not because I don’t want anyone call me a selfish mother or I want some validation of being a good mother from the society. I want it simply because I love Shreesha too much to be selfish to her. I want to give her everything she needs and be there for her before I be there for myself. She deserves the best mother in the world, and I want to be that mother.

Now, who will decide if I am a good mother? Every single person has an opinion about how I should raise my child, what I am doing wrong as a mother, etc. But the answer is simple. The only person who gets to decide if I am a good mother or not is Shreesha. And I can count on her judgement because she is a very mature person. So now, I have started having these conversations with her about my parenting. What I can do better as a mother. What it is that she would like to change about me or my behavior. What bothers her about me. These conversations have brought a lot of shocking things in light. About my parenting, about her maturity. I am appalled. I am glad I realized I should have these conversations with Shreesha sooner than later. I am still a little lost on the whole parenting business, but Shreesha is my guiding light. It’s not that I blindly agree and follow whatever she asks of me. We discuss, we have a healthy conflict of worldviews, and we reach a consensus on the best course of action moving forward.

Parenting. It’s baffling to me that you need a government permit to watch a movie, or drive a car, or start a business. You need a degree to get a mundane and a menial job, but you need absolutely no permit or no education to have a child. Every day, I see the most undeserving people giving birth to new human beings and no one stops them. Procreation shouldn’t be a right, it should be a privilege that must be earned.

Anyway, the point is I want to raise Shreesha the best way possible. The only people I know who raised their kids well are my parents. I want to raise Shreesha the way my parents raised me. I don’t recall the exact methodology they used but I turned out fine. More than fine actually. Most people have resentment towards their parents and family. I too have some complaints towards them, but I can’t call them resentment because I don’t resent them. In fact, I am more and more amazed at their parenting style now that I have a child of my own. I am amazed how they pulled it off. I don’t recall my parents fighting in front of us. Not even one incident. I don’t recall my parents acting like a husband and wife in front of us. I only saw them as a mother and a father. I didn’t think even once they were much more than just being my mother and father. I am amazed at their progressiveness. The way they raised me and my sister in the society that didn’t value a girl child. I am amazed at their boldness. They also took some bold decisions, some calculated risks in raising us and thankfully they all worked out well.

Some of you might think that I am just trying to show my upbringing is better than others. I must have some unresolved childhood issues. Only if I go to a therapist, I will get to know them. Maybe. But wouldn’t it be like smacking an axe on my own foot? Life is all about balance. Not to oversimplify things but at the same time it’s about not to overcomplicate things either. Looking at Shreesha's mental health, it seems like I am doing reasonably well as a parent. Looking at my mental health, I am not doing so bad myself. I love my life. I love my parents. I love my job. I love my child. I have forgiven the people who wronged me, and I have moved on. Simply because I have realized that they didn’t know any better, the same way I didn’t know any better when I wronged some people.

So, all is well. And I have a rule in life – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.