I often find myself entrapped by a thought, or an idea, or
an emotion. Often, it's triggered by an external event which may seem very
small. Then the struggle begins. The struggle to get rid of that
thought/idea/emotion. At this point, it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative in nature. Being consumed by one idea or an emotion can be
debilitating. This obsession brings no good. Ever since I was a teenager, one surest
way of discarding such a thought/idea/emotion has been writing.
I write this blog for this purpose. To process and resolve
internal conflicts. To rid myself of an obsession. Today, I write to get rid of
one such idea, and the idea is money and how money defines dynamics in society,
politics, religion, community, education, healthcare, philanthropy, science,
art, family; basically, every aspect of life.
I saw this reel the other day where a woman proposed this
idea that how you would describe yourself outside of your name, religion, nationality, profession,
family, hobbies, and political views. Think about it. What are you? Who are you
outside of these things? I realized something today. One of the things that defines me is my tendency to address the
elephant in the room. It is unbearable for me to witness someone ignore a
glaring problem and resist the urge to call it out.
After four decades of living on this earth, one truth is
evident - everyone's a nice person until money enters the equation. Many of you
might say - Nah. I am not one of them. Money is not important to me when it
comes to philanthropy, or religion, or patriotism, or family. It's okay. I am
not judging anyone. I have just recognized money as this powerful, indominable,
fierce force that affects almost everything in world.
As I distance myself more and more from my failed marriage,
I realize that my ex-husband was not a bad person. He was a nice husband and a
decent father until money entered the equation. He loved money more than me and
my daughter and that was the reason I left him. But as time goes by, I can see
that he loved money not only more than me and my daughter, but he loved money
more than his parents, his sisters and himself. He traded his dignity, his
integrity, and his soul for money whenever he got an opportunity. He was
enslaved by money. He simply couldn't help it.
I thought he was the only one enslaved by money, but the
more intimate experiences I have with people who are close to me, the more I realize that money is the
litmus test that defines character of most people. I was cheated financially in
my marriage and since then it has been my wound. I keep my financial account
very clear with everyone, in terms of taking and giving money. I don't allow
anyone to rob me of even hundred bucks. I don't keep any pending payments with
anyone. I do not rest in peace until I reclaim my money from the concerned person, except my family. My family is the only place where I don't keep any
account of money I spend for them. My parents have done a lot of for me and I can never pay them
back for the life they have given me.
However, that elephant in the room keeps getting bigger and
bigger. Too big for me to ignore now. It has been a painful realization.
Addressing this elephant will ruin relationships. Another problem is we are not
taught how to handle truth. When someone accuses us of something, our first
reaction is to defend ourselves. Immediately declare the accusations untrue,
justify ourselves and counterattack. One seldom takes it in quietly, does a
self-reflection and sees the other person's point of view.
I am also guilty of this. There is only one instance in my life when
I truly sat back and soaked in the other person's point of view. I hurt a very
dear friend of mine. It wasn't about money but something else. I hurt him
deeply. He confronted me and unleashed his anguish. I don't know what came upon
me that day, maybe it was his pure pain and rage that compelled me to not
defend and justify myself. I just sat there without saying anything and felt
his pain while he expressed how my behavior hurt him. Honestly, that was one of
the most enlightening experiences of my life. You can't plan something like
that. After he was done, I asked for his forgiveness from the bottom of my
heart. He also felt light after expressing his anguish and today we are closest
of friends. That encounter brought us much closer and solidified our
relationship.
I wish everyone has this kind of relationships in life where you
can express without fear of retaliation or counterattack. The problem I
encounter is whenever I call people out for their money-mindedness, they always
get defensive instead of doing self-reflection. So, I don't do it anymore.
Hence, this blogpost. I need to feel light. I need to free myself from the
heavy burden of this emotion.
I do feel light. I hope this emotion won't bother me anymore.
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