Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships have been an integral part of human history. Every person reading this, you can agree that they have played a pivotal role in your life too. The kind of person you are today has a lot to do with your past and current romantic relationships. I am not talking about only married couples but all sorts of romantic relationships. It is such a universal topic and yet, no one has figured out a foolproof strategy to conquer the world of romance in the long history of humankind. So why not talk about it a little more? What more can be said about it that hasn't already been said before?

Now, I have never been in a real romantic relationship myself, so, you have a valid argument if you are thinking - what does she know about this topic? But let me tell you an anecdote. 

One time, when I used to work at a hospital in America, I took over a project that mainly involved processes in the ICU. 

The ICU nurse manager asked me very condescendingly - "have you ever worked in an ICU?" 

No. - I said. 

"Then how would you be able to help improve my processes?"

"That's the whole point." I said. "Because I have never worked in an ICU, I bring in a fresh set of eyes. Together, we can think out of the box and come up with unique solutions." 

She was reluctant but she had a little say in the matter. She had to let me work in the ICU. After a few months of working closely with her, when her processes improved in the ICU and she got credit for it in a leadership meeting, she acknowledged my contribution and thanked me for it. 

So the point is, I think being a bystander, I can see romantic relationships in a way that people who are in it can't. I bring in an objective point of view. I can't say how useful these observations and suggestions are, so, feel free to discard them if you find them useless. 

So shall we?

1. Not On the Same Page

There are two fundamental types of romantic relationships: short-term and long-term. 

The main reason romantic relationships end abruptly in a short span is the unaligned expectations. The two people are not on the same page. Assuming that your partner knows, understands and agrees to your expectations is a grave mistake. Communication is the key here. Keep the communication going until there is transparency and alignment of expectations from both sides.

2. Overcommitment Underdelivered

When you love someone, you want to do everything for them. You are ready to pluck the stars and bring the moon to their feet, but my suggestion is, if you don't have the guts to do it, do not promise the moons and stars. I can guarantee you that if you deliver them sincerely, your partner will be happy with just the basics like love, respect, trust, affection, and intimacy. In fact, I'd say, don't promise anything with words. Show your love in action. Don't talk about great things you'll do for them, DO just good things for them, consistently. That's sufficient. 

3. Parasitic Vs Symbiotic Relationships

This one is my personal pet-peeve. See, there is one thing to feel the need for a partner and have someone to come home to. I understand these sentiments but I have seen too many people who are simply sucking the life out of their partner. One partner is a majestic tree and the other one is a weak creeper that wraps its creepy hands around the tree. Eventually, the creeper sucks the life out of the tree, overpowers the tree and the tree is reduced to a weak stick. Please don't do this to your partner. An ideal relationship is a symbiotic relationship where both partners benefit from the relationship. Toxic codependency, using your partner as crutches, and measuring your self-worth based on your partner's validation are lethal for a relationship. Even if you got the best partner in the world, never be so dependent on them that you can't function without their presence in your life. Always maintain your identity and self-sufficiency. Don't get addicted to your partner so much that you forget how to live without them. Spend sufficient time with each other but also make it a point to spend sufficient time away from each other, do things without them from time to time. Giving this space to each other is vital in a relationship. 

4. Overexposure

This factor has affected every single romantic relationship in the world but not discussed enough. 

Another anecdote. There was a king who wanted to marry a dancer in his court but she loved another man. What should the king do? Kill the boyfriend, forcefully marry the dancer. Right? No. Our king was very smart. He ordered his commander to capture the both of them and put them in a small jail cell, naked, tied to each other with minimal movement. 

The commander was confused. - "Instead of separating them, you are putting them together?"

I know what I am doing. - The king said. 

The commander followed the orders. The lovers were ecstatic. They hugged, kissed, and made love over and over again. Food and water used to be delivered in the cell. They ate and rejoiced. But the jail cell didn't have a bathroom or a toilet. They were forced to pee and poop in the open cell. No one cleaned it. Their bodies stank after days without a bath. Gradually, they were disgusted by each other, repelled at the sight of the other person. After a couple of weeks, the king released them. They were free to go but they never saw each other's face again. The dancer married the king with her consent and will. And they all lived happily every after. 

I know a lot of couples who have been in a long term relationship. They get along fine, they love each other but still they are not happy. They are simply bored of each other. If you spend your entire life with one person, it is inevitable that you will get bored of that person one day. It WILL happen. To avoid this, the first step is to not be in each other's face all the time. In a long-term relationship, you guys have to reinvent the relationship every few years to keep the spark alive. You can't have the same type of relationship for the rest of your lives. Your relationship must evolve time to time. 

I know a lot of new couples who chat and talk for hours every day, meet every other day, think about each other all day. They send good morning messages and if the other person doesn't reply, they get upset. They talk to each other on the phone until they fall asleep. They get too close too soon, and then inevitably they get bored of each other too soon. The trick is to get to know each other slowly and organically. Keep the mystery alive. Kill the urge to know everything about the other person instantly. Take it slow. Savor it. The spark will last longer. 

I can go on and on about this topic but I think for today, this is enough. Do let me know your thoughts about this topic, especially if you don't agree with me on certain things, I'd love to know your point of view.